Friday, May 30, 2008

Prodicus gets the alpenhorn

Note to editors: FIFA headquarters is not in the EU. It's in Switzerland. The Swiss are so far behind EU-think that they haven't discovered nationhood yet let alone considered abolishing it. They did have to think about it for a few minutes when they were asked whether they would like to join the EU. (They said No.) Nobody in Switzerland knows the name of their President or gives a toss who he or she is but everyone knows the name of their village burgermeister because that matters. The Swiss are allowed to enjoy all the privileges of EU membership without having to concern themselves with what they call, in Switzerdeutsch, Brussels Regulations Shite. This is because they have the fortunes of all the EU Commissars and FIFA officials in their banks, and Swiss law decrees that anyone who divulges how much money that actually is will be shot.

Another note to more editors: The ancient Swiss national blazon, now replaced by the less offensive reverse version of the Red Cross, is two upraised digits azures on a field of langues rouges.

The excellant Prodicus commemorates a floundering EU apparatchik in memorable style, do have a look.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I think it's in the mouth...

It's been nagging me for days, but I think I've put two and two together at last.

The Mekon

Comrade Mugabe

Dunno why I couldn't see it before. They have so much in common.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Or, if you prefer, 'Twilight of the Bumblefucks?' (with apologies to Wagner).

The result of the bye-election at Crewe and Nantwitch came as no surprise to anyone. The size of the victory was a profound shock, but to imagine that this heralds a renaissance for the tories is downright stupid.

Even the Dude gets this utterly wrong. According to him, the people have Seen The Light, and no-one Gets Fooled Again. Bullshit.

The electorate remembers little and learns less, this is an extension of the physiological process whereby the body, whether corporeal or politic retains no memory of pain. If it did, every living socialist would have been murdered in 1978.

This result had nothing to do with politics, leave alone high ideals. This was sheer infuriation at a government that can't do anything other than fuck people over, and then lie about it. To piss down our backs and tell us it's raining in other words. Then to keep doing it, over and over again ad nauseam.

Smoking ban, Lisbon treaty, criminalising everybody except criminals, disarming us all in the face of rampant criminality, and above all; the endless preaching and moralising. The insistence on telling all of us that we're morons who must be led into the light by the enlightened (for which, read: whichever NGO is screeching the loudest this week). We're all sick to death of them. Sick, to fucking death of all of them.

Until we have a government that can regain a sense of proportion, of reason, of basic common sense, and above all of fundamental representative democracy; nothing will ever change for the better.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Government 'ignorant' about 'pissing my money away' shock

Here we go again. Take your partners for the quango-weasel waltz. Al-Beeb spouts the health taliban line as usual.

Three-quarters of drinkers do not know a typical glass of wine contains three units of alcohol, a survey for the Department of Health suggests.

The YouGov survey of 1,429 drinkers in England found more than a third did not know their recommended daily limit - 2-3 units for women and 3-4 for men.

Ahhh, units. Units, units, units. I seem to remember having something to say on the topic of units last Xmas. What was it again? Oh yes.

The whole thing is a fiction, as the tossers-in-chief finally admitted. More arse-born drivel funded by us, for the purpose of achieving nothing more than boosting our national blood-pressure.

Well, based on figures released today, from a survey conducted for Mac the Knife, by Ipsos Mac the Knife. Mac the Knife has concluded that Alcohol Concern, Know Your Limits and the rest of the self-promoting, useless, lying, dog-frotting spazwads should shut their mouths and fuck right off*.

The Government has reacted swiftly, establishing the National Fuckwit Suppression Agency (CEO Mac the Knife). The Agency's radical proposals include the following:

All fuckwits who nag, bully and/or ban things to have their larynxes ripped out with a claw-hammer.

All fuckwits to have their mouths sewn up.

All fuckwits to be set in slabs of concrete in groups of fifty.

The fuckwit slabs to be dumped into the
Mariana's Trench.

All normal human beings can then go out, and have a smoke while getting pissed and eating a large pie. It'll be a better world. I promise.

*Not necessarily in that order.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Why Thabo Mbeki is an unconscionable fuckpig

Courtesy of His Grace, here is a woman by the name of Memory. She is an ordinary citizen of Zimbabwe. She is cursed to live in extraordinary times, ruled over by an extraordinary shit. Comrade Robert Ebagum.

Right then.

Background notes (1). I was born in Rhodesia in 1958, and while I left there in mum's arms, elements of it's earth and culture informed, and inform my life even now. I watched Smith's desperate attempt to arrest the wheel of history with some sympathy (tribalism is a two way street), but I was consistently ambivalent. Rhodesia was something I could not feel wholly right in supporting; or wholly right in condemning. Needless to say, in the seventies I was in something of a minority.

I knew the country would go to hell after independence, and I was vocal about it; and oh, wasn't I the Fascist/Racist/'Cunt Of The Month', choose the epithet yourself. I took that stance not because I'm an imperialist or supremacist, but because I watched the whole process of African independence unfold throughout the sixties, and I knew that the 'quick and dirty fix' and 'cut and run' approach adopted by the former colonial powers inevitably engendered the same result sooner or later.

I watched the dismal spectacle of David Owen hanging on Andy Young's coat-tails in '77, and deperately hoped the Labour Party would have no rôle in any settlement; as the only talent lefties have in terms of foreign relations is that of inevitably finding the wrong arsehole to lick. Oddly enough it was the Thatcher government which brokered the deal that condemned Zimbabwe to the living hell it has become. It was a narrow and stupid government which always seized on expediency over depth and intelligence in foreign and defence policy, the consequences of which would be amply demonstrated in the South Atlantic in 1982 (I may come back to that one day when time permits). So. Interest declared.

Back to Memory. I won't wear you out with the back-story. Cranmer was sufficiently forensic, suffice it to say. This is what Comrade Bob's filthy bastards did to her.

Take a deep breath.

Now take another one.

Background notes (2). Until 2002 I was a Senior Mortuary Technician in the NHS. I've seen injuries of all stripes. Locomotive strikes, electrocution, air accidents, immolation, suffocation, gunshot, gangrene. Name your poison, name your method, people shot, hung, stabbed, garroted and chopped up with an angle-grinder, overdosed, punched through a shop window with a truck and sucked into a rolling road designed to test vehicle brakes.

I have NEVER seen beating injuries like that. Before seeing the photographs, I would have snorted derisively and told you, in my lofty 'I know better than you' voice that injuries like that could only develop as a consequence of pressure sores or gangrene. Well. We live and learn.

That woman was beaten with such ferocity, and such insane concentrated persistence that it caused her flesh to split and tear. They didn't stop there though, and just carried on thrashing away. The end result is analagous to this. What kind of a mind can willfully inflict this?. Are they even human as I understand the term?

This, is Thabo Mbeki. A stupid, spineless, fuckless cretin. He is the President of South Africa. I call him a stupid, spineless fuckless cretin because...

He supports and condones this fucking thing. The author of what was done to Memory.

He's gearing up to do this to many more Zimbabweans even as I type this. We stand by, but even Africa stands by. This is a filthy world sometimes.


Thabo Mbeki currently holds the following honours:


What is here to honour. Why do we honour braindead, fuckwitted apologist slobs like this?

Thursday, May 15, 2008


So, farewell, Reactionary Snob,
Gordon Brown's a cunt,
Yes, that was your catchphrase,
Keith's mum said you called him that a lot.

(With apologies to E. J. Thribb 17½)

Sad to see this chap go. One of those pleasant little treasures occasionally unearthed in the deserts of Blogistan.

Cheerio RS, we never met, but I shall miss your dry erudition and well directed obscenities in equal measure.

I know! Let's gag ourselves. Brilliant!

The eminently readable Longrider has something to say here on the hilarious wheeze for bloggers to adopt a voluntary code of conduct.

Not so unreasonable eh? After all, we can sometimes get a little trenchant in our comments. Well, fuck that little notion right in the eye. Firstly Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who, or what, will police such a thing. From whence will they be drawn and how and why would they want to do such a thing?

Secondly and more importantly, via web and the medium of the blog ordinary people have the capacity to communicate freely with a wider community of people than at any time in human history. They can exchange views, communicate ideas, ideals or even philosophies. Perhaps simply indulge in glorious flaying exercises such as this.

My point being, at a time when the MSM have plumbed near stygian depths of supine compliance to a host of inimical interests too numerous to mention (oh, all right then, eco-nutters, the political class, the fucking EU etc. etc.), why in the name of holy fucking fuckitty FUCK, would we agree to muzzle ourselves; and voluntarily shoulder a burden of censorship.

I'll add myself the The Awkward Squad without hesitation. Not in this lifetime, no way, no how.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Oh fuck, I think I get it...

...and I wish I didn't. Dave made his point with...
"I don’t want to leave the European Union and I'll tell you why. This is a trading nation. Yorkshire relies on traded goods and on businesses which can trade all over the world and particularly in Europe. We export more per head of the population than America, Japan or other countries. We are a trading nation and Europe is a very important market for us. If we are not in the European Union, we would not be able to have a say over what the rules of the single market are. That is the primary reason for being a member of the European Union."

OK. The obvious question is of course qui bono, who benefits? Well of course, when you think about it, all of our wonderful parliamentarians. Absolutely every single one of the lying, thieving, self aggrandising fuckpigs.

The best club in London. And that was when they had work to do. That was when the Palace of Westminster still admitted individuals who cared for their nation and wanted to work to make it better.

The plan seems fairly straightforward now of course. Sign everything over to the EU. Why actually work for a living? Why do a real job when you can just spunk some ink over a page, and convert the most delicately crafted and evolved democracy in human history, the most finely wrought piece of constitutional government into a debased, emasculated, whorehouse; a stinking trough of slurry for you and your filthy mates to wallow in?

If any party, leave alone government actually acknowledged the EuroElephant in the room, and had the guts and integrity, leave alone the basic fundamental patriotism to do something about it, imagine the rôle they'd have to step in to.

Overnight, they'd be responsible once more for agriculture. trade, and immigration; just to mention the first fundamentals.

The very idea must make the conservatives (I refuse to dignify them with a capital letter) shit their collective pants. They don't want the job. They know in their venal, shrunken, shitty little euro-hearts that they simply aren't up to it. They aren't good enough. They suck. Like a Dyson.

I've made much about our politicians being stupid. And they are. Upper middle class metrocentrics with absolutely no grasp on what real people want or need. It's not surprising, they're not rooted in constituencies anymore, the parties merely parachute in whatever clone they want and away we go. All being well, Labour may get a shock over this technique in Crewe & Nantwitch. Possibly the other parties may learn a lesson, I don't know, but I doubt it. They're simply too fucking thick and self-absorbed.

What I do know is if they don't all start listening, and acting on what they hear they're all fucked, and so are the rest of us.

Anyway, I've managed to drift off my own thread. I'm impressed, I hope you are too.

My point is (in case you're not ahead of me already), is that our politicos have seen the possibilities of the EU. Their objective is to convert the 'Mother of Parliaments' into a sinecure, (Carlsberg don't do filthy sinecures, but if they did... etc. etc.).

Over a thousand years of finely evolved English liberty, three hundred years of the Union? Fuck it. Hand it over to Brussels. They make the rules, we suck up the cash, the privilege, and the kudos. We preen, posture and profit while Johnny Foreigner does the dirty work, we'll pretend it's all our idea, while we devote our efforts into making the British people ever more miserable.

I thought I hated the Major government. How little I knew.

The only hope I have lies in the fundamental stupidity of these people. Our own government and politicians, because they don't know us or understand us; and therefore we'll fuck them. At some point, and quite brutally. They think they're clever, but they're not. It's a sort of low animal cunning, bred in the Westminster Whorehouse, but it's not genuine intelligence, it's born from dealing with other lowlife filthbags who operate on their revolting anti-patriotic anti-social level.

Even the ones who think they've got us taped can't see that the EU will collapse under it's own totalitarian corruption. They believe that the EU is greater than Britain and will outlast our nation despite the fact it's clearly heading for it's own set of buffers, and a messy implosion.

Never tell me that Cameron is well educated. He's clearly incapable of learning anything from our history, or anyone else's for that matter. As for NuLabour the EU just gives them something local to bend over for, anything anti-Brit they'd beg to be arse-raped by and sign us all up by association. The Illiberal Anti-Democrats? Pah. Who can be bothered to type it out?

In short, our stinking, filthy 'parliamentarians' are creating a Britain where they alone live in wealth and privilege. Where work, responsibility and delivery are something only the proles and the private sector (what's left of it) have to deliver.

Has anyone read the treason statutes? I think I will.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

It's official, we're all a bunch of wasters

Well, well, well. According to WRAP, the thoroughly risible quango formed by our piss-fuck-awful government to advise on packaging (packaging, PACKAGING, sweet Jesus, is there nothing better to spend our taxes on?), we regularly grow whole fruit crops in our window boxes before deliberately burning them, and often rustle livestock off local farms and drive them directly into landfills.

OK, I'm exaggerating, but the original bleating by this pack of shit-a-beds isn't any more readily digestible. I forget the exact amount, but I think they claim that we throw away 1.4 million pots of yoghurt unopened, whole chickens and even 400,000 odd ready meals daily. So what did they do? Go out and count them personally?

I saw this story covered on C4 news, C5 news, Working Lunch and Al Beeb One O'Clock. Is it just me, or is anyone else getting royally fucked off with the way in which these numbers are simply reeled off without question as if they were some sort of divine revelation. This is a trend which is enabling those interfering shits of which I spoke last Thursday. It started with willfully mendacious shite factories like ASH and runs like this:

1: Pull a number out of arse,

2: Double it,

3: Bang it out under the guise of 'research' or 'studies',

4: Repeat until the MSM take up the chorus,

Return to step 1 and repeat as long as the funding holds up.

Apart from the piss-poor showing by our commentariat in allowing this practice to flourish, I really am sick of these bastard parasites being paid from my taxes to nag the living shit out of me. In the final analysis I bought the stuff, it therefore, is mine. Got that? Mine. If I want to dump 'Taste the difference' Chicken Nibletz into my garden pond, or nail gammon steaks to the shed that's my affair. When will you people shut the fuck up and bugger off?

Mac the Knife prepares to attend to the Chief Executive of WRAP earlier today.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Further to my last...

The excellent Hairy Chestnuts strikes at the legions of Spongebrain Fudgepants (I'm really taken with that, from now on that's Gordon to me).

He makes the point 'If you treat people like dogs, throw them a bone once in a while'.

I'd substitute the observation that if you treat people like dogs, don't be surprised when you find their fangs in your arse.

Friday, May 02, 2008

My tears fell like rain

What you see here friends and neighbours is a rectal prolapse, and a particularly nasty example of the condition it is too. This is where one's jacksy malfunctions so radically that instead of ridding one of faecal matter, it decides to effectively shit itself out. It is one of the worst disasters that can afflict an arsehole. As such I thought it a perfectly appropriate symbol for last night's local election results.

Oh, today has been a perfect orgy of schadenfreude. Listening to the dimwitted NuLabour hacks and weasels trying to spin their way out of this one has been a cornucopia of delights. The Boy Dave and Calamity have been crowing with great abandon, as well they might in the aftermath of this massacre and the spectacle of Spongebrain Fudgepants (aka G. Brown, our much loved PM) trying to appear empathetic to the wishes of the electorate brought tears to my eyes (I'm blow drying the tears of mirth from my clothes as I type).

My jubilation is tempered however as I digest the import of what all our politicos are spouting. I can't help but feel that the real significance of this round of elections has been missed by a country mile. I hear the usual bollocks about education, schools, house prices and the so-called 'credit crunch', but are these issues the ones that provoked such a kicking at the ballot box? I somehow doubt it.

I think the rage and disaffection manifested last night has it's roots in matters far more mundane. We've suffered through ten years of a government which has grown more and more illiberal, intrusive and divisive with every passing month. A government which can't see a British institution, from the constitution to the village pub without surrendering to the impulse to fuck around with it until it dies. A government which preaches democracy to all and sundry while simultaneously and sneeringly denying the same to it's own electorate.

Don't mistake me, people have an almost limitless capacity for stupidity and I suppose that's one of the reasons that our politicians think they can get away with anything, but if history teaches anything it's that eventually even the most ovine population will get wise. The irony is of course that NuLabour, however shite they are (and they are shite) didn't have to be in this mess. If they understood anything at all about the British people, they would have known that the golden rule is simply to leave us alone. That's it, the wisdom of the ages in three little words, Leave. Us. Alone.

But lefties simply can't do that. We have to be improved d'you see, for our own good of course, but improved nonetheless. That means badgering us all to fuck about everything we do, whether that be hunting with dogs, smoking, eating pies, disposing of our rubbish, driving our cars, insulating our homes, choosing the products we buy, owning a handgun, blah, blah, blee, blah; it just goes on and on and on ad nauseam.

People are sick. Not just of NuLabour, but of all you sanctimonious, preaching, illiberal, intolerant, interfering fucks. Think I'm wrong Dave? Nicky? Well, when you get your hands on the levers of power (not you Nicky, obviously), just try giving us any more of the same and we'll put you out on your arse. And we won't wait ten years to do it.

It's somewhat akin to tickling a thoroughbred's nipsy with a straw. The horse'll put up with it for a while, and then he'll decide it's time to kick your brains out. Brits are like that.