...abso-fucking-lutely nobody. Certainly not the Nobel Prize committee. What a collection of shit-for-brains, gold-plated, ocean-going, rectal discharge mongers.
I thought they'd jumped the shark with last year's piece of nauseating eco-pandering, but clearly I was wrong. They had more to show me.
It's very difficult to marshal my thoughts when so much searing vitriol is flying around my poor little brain. I really don't know what it is about this execrable piece of stupidity that pisses me off the most. The naked Barry worship? The devaluation of the institution itself? The implied insult to past recipients?
Seriously, where the flying-dancing-unicycling-all-singing-all-dancing-full-colour-totally-naked FUCK do you START? Really. I need to know, because I am at a total loss.
Let's start with drivelling dickhead number one. Step forward Mohammed ElBaradei...
"I cannot think of anyone today more deserving of this honour. In less than a year in office, he has transformed the way we look at ourselves* and the world we live in** and rekindled hope for a world at peace with itself***."
Is that a fact? Well sorry Mo, but if that's the case you must've been living in a fucking cave on Pluto for the last ten years. The Times mentions two hot prospects right off the bat, and they can't even be arsed to use Google half the time (cf this shite, ably arse-raped here).
Luckily, not everyone in the world has mentally imploded...
"Obama? So fast? Too fast - he hasn’t had the time to do anything yet"
Thank you Lech Walesa. I was beginning to think I'd been hoovered up into some ghastly parallel universe for a second. Mikhail Gorbachev, Desmond Tutu, people I had a degree of respect for are in onanistic transports of delight over this travesty; and there is simply no other word, travesty of a decision.
I'll have it next year. Seriously, why not? I'm quite a nice bloke. Sometimes. I've even said nice things occasionally, and peace might be quite pleasant all things considered. There, that should be enough to clinch it.
Admittedly, I haven't actually done anything.
But then neither has Barry.
* Has he arse-candles changed the way I look at myself. I'm still the same booze-sodden, nicotine-infused scrotum I was last year, and thoroughly intend to be next year come to that.
** Where? What? How? Talk fucking sense man.